My Story
Walking my path
I grew up in a small town in Malaysia, in a multi-cultural melting pot steeped in a blend of Asian mysticism, the supernatural, cross-cultural intricacies, race-class tensions, all interwoven with modern Western thinking.
Born to alternative-minded parents, I was exposed to some of life's "big questions" at a very early age...
What is the purpose of life?
Who am I? Why am I here?
What is truth?
Does god exist? Who or what is that?
What is the nature of reality?
What of the unseen realm?
Thus, the seeds of my life's central themes were sown.
The call (or "fall") to adventure
My journey really begins in my late teens, when I left my home country to begin tertiary education abroad. Before then, I was a girl in a little town in Malaysia who lived an obedient, pious and highly disciplined life, who spent all her free time outside school and extracurricular activities at "the Dojo", doing divine service and training to become a befitting "forerunner of the 21st century". University and living away from home and the restraints of my spiritual community opened up a whole new world, and led me to the discovery that my education system as well as my "spiritual faith" had told me some rather disturbing lies!
Betrayal, and the unravelling...
Feeling betrayed by everything I had previously trusted, I lost trust in institutions and people, questioning everything I knew and everyone I previously loved and relied on. I untangled myself from the cult I had grown up in since the age of eight. Not knowing who or what I could trust, I decided to "empty my cup" of all beliefs and start finding "truth" on my own -- a drastic move that in hindsight I wouldn't recommend anyone!
“Two roads diverged in a wood and I – I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference”
― Robert Frost
The curse and the gift -- the road less travelled
My entire worldview and belief system crumbled, and I grappled with an early midlife crisis. Thus began a long quest on my own through all the big life questions, deep self-inquiry into "who am I", and a rigorous journey "peeling back the layers of onion".
Almost a decade-long period I dub "the dark ages" ensued, filled with spiritual seeking, philosophical questioning and all-consuming soul searching as I sought to answer burning questions like "what is the point of existence", "how do we even know we exist", "what is the meaning of life", "why is there so much suffering in the world", "why is the state of the world so dismal", "who am I" and "what is my purpose". It was a time of existential angst, emptiness, isolation and quiet desperation.
On the outside, my life seemed normal and in fact "pretty darned good" -- I had a degree, was pursuing my masters, had a wonderful boyfriend who later became my husband, loving family and lots of friends, and a seemingly wonderful future ahead in a new country that offered great opportunity and quality of life. I had nothing to complain about, and felt guilty for not feeling more grateful and making the most of it.
Inside however, try as I might, I could not seem to value any of it, or to relate to anyone "normal" around me.
All my peers were busy pursuing the outer world things typical in that leg of life -- the career, the partner, the kids, house and accumulation of wealth that for me felt empty without any of the bigger questions answered. The deeper yearning within me to "know myself" and "find truth" overshadowed everything else. Life felt hollow, and my only interest was to find answers to these nagging questions. Ultimately, I was seeking meaning and purpose. In Joseph Campbell's opinion, we are not seeking meaning but "the
experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances with our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive." Perhaps I sought rapture. In any case, the incongruence between my inner and outer worlds and the loneliness of being amidst people who did not relate was at times unbearable.
I found solace in dance and music, built the capacity to sit with the angst and unrelenting rumination on my own, eventually drawing strength and comfort from the stillness I managed to find within. I worked to heal core wounds and my relationship with myself and the world, and to rebuild a healthy ego after my time in the cult. I poured through book after book about spirituality, philosophy, science, literature and self help, and meditated, prayed and tested every new spiritual practice in hope of new insight, seeking all the time to find this elusive "thing", yet knowing that it might take a whole lifetime not ever finding it.
Would that be a waste of life? My rational mind said "yes", my ego grappled over losing out on time and opportunities everyone else was "gaining", yet my heart clearly felt otherwise -- it was not a choice that was really mine to make. I would be living a lie to ignore these inconvenient questions and consuming desire to seek Self and Truth.
“True power is about being true to yourself and finding your own voice and path in the world.”
― Maria Shriver
The light at the end of the tunnel
Through the years and many long dark nights of the soul, this arduous searching and inner work eventually opened into "a finding" -- a place of stillness and okayness within, and acceptance of all that is. "The way out is through", so it is said.
The seeking ceased as I came to realize that even the quest for truth and enlightenment was ultimately still mind and ego-driven. I found the liberation of "Home" within. And was at peace with "Self". Having seen through the ego trap to find something "more" when everything was already "here", I renounced the ambition to "wake up". And there, a "spiritual" chapter closed for me.
Philosophically, I had stumbled across folk like Sartre and Nietzsche along the way, who helped me see that I had the choice to create my own meaning in Life. That was a significant shift as up till that point, I had been seeking meaning from external stories and others' worldviews. Choosing to see myself as the author of my own story (or stories we tell ourselves each moment and day), I reclaimed sovereignty over much of my life that had been previously been coloured by conditioning from culture, upbringing and my experience in the cult.
However, whatever story I chose, I realized, was ultimately still a story. And this, once seen, was hard to really believe or invest myself in. Thus, a different dilemma emerged -- what then, to do with the rest of my life now that I was no longer obsessed with seeking, yet felt uninvested in "the mundane"?
The stories we tell ourselves are everything.
Yet they are only stories.
It is in living beyond the story that we are free.
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
Finding my place in the world
I had reached a fork in the road.
After the endless years of seeking, healing, unlearning and reprogramming, I had meticulously "put my life and self back together". I wanted to intentionally live a life of self-authored meaning. And to be of service to a flourishing world and humanity. But how?
Should I be of service in an Ashram, or in the world? Embracing a non-dual perspective, everything is spiritual. And going to an Ashram felt like spiritual bypass. So I chose the latter. I saw my path of growth as reconciling the duality of the sacred and the secular, and learning to properly be in the world even if I never really felt "of it". I also wanted to experience "being normal", and to catch up on the life experiences that I had missed out on. That I did!
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls. The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are."
― Joseph Campbell
(Author of The Power of Myth)
Difficult as it might be, follow your bliss and doors will open
When you acknowledge that life is no longer in integrity with your soul, and set intentions to make them congruent, things shift. Almost miraculously, a string of synchronistic events unfolded, leading me
eventually not just to finding my happy place in the world of social entrepreneurship, purpose driven business and change-making, but also quite unexpectedly to an unusual yet perfect home for me.
But not without upheaval. My husband and I sadly ended up parting ways. I navigated near bankruptcy, a near lawsuit and homelessness, being "let down" time after time by friends and arrangements "falling through", in a country I was on my own with no family or support system, and that did not feel like "home". It was a huge lesson in resilience and self reliance, but even more so in trust and surrender in something larger at play.
There is a Parable of the Chinese Farmer that illustrates how things are never really either "good" or "bad" luck, as the consequences of each event changes as the story unfolds. A broken leg from being thrown off a horse might seem unfortunate at the time, but when it means you don't get ferried off to war, it is suddenly a very fortunate thing.
In the same way, this tumultuously challenging yet magical ride led me to meet my then-business partner who also became one of my closest friends, to finding my vocation and a tribe of changemaker peers I never knew existed, and to finding a new home and community amongst some of the most fun, creative, radical spirits. On the way, I experienced unbelievably synchronistic events, like seemingly random house-sitting invitations, free help from lawyers, and finding just the right people and information at the right time.
“Only from the heart can you touch the sky.”
― Mawlana Jalal-al-Din Rumi
The world as a playground
What followed was the most wonderful, joy-filled time of playing at work, feeling completely "on purpose", and experiencing all that I loved. My joy was dancing, music and the arts. And I danced nearly every night, jammed with other musicians, and partook in lots of creative shenanigans -- soirees, play readings and impromptu musical enactments -- in my newfound Bohemian household.
Life felt exquisite and juicy, both inside and out. And I was living the Gifts of all I had previously only felt was a Curse. It was such an affirmation that following my Soul's call, hard as it may have been, had been right.
All I wanted now was to make the most of this human playground, and catch up on "my lost years". And to fulfil a deep desire to be in service.
Now that I was no longer obsessed with my other-worldly quest for Truth, self and meaning, my growth edge was to learn how to be in the world -- to value and relate to material things, and to experience and experiment and with "normal" human interests and "rules" I never really integrated or resonated with.
Ten years or so passed, and one day, I felt a strange stirring to deepen my work, without any clarity on what exactly that meant. Once again, I had to live into the question to find the answers.
“Good thing,
Bad Thing,
Who Knows?”
“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.”
― Rumi
Another call to adventure...
And so, another chapter awaits.
I share my story in a time where many seem to be asking the questions I was asking around self, meaning and place in the world, and are perhaps wondering whether or not to follow the call of their heart.
I became a Transpersonal Coach to expand my own capacity for my inner work and growth, and to be able to help others better navigate these interesting times of change, when humanity seems to be on the cusp of evolution and is possibly awakening to new ways of being and relating with themselves and the world.
I hope to powerfully support transformation in individuals, organisations and the collective by bringing in the transpersonal lens and new tools and methodologies from the cutting edge of coaching and personal development.
“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray...
As you start to walk on the way, the way appears.”
― Jalāl al-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī
My life is my message
To anyone who is hearing the faintest whisper in their hearts 'for something different' or feel 'something calling', I want you to know that pursuing your heart's desire, answering that call and possibly taking the road less travelled is absolutely and infinitely rewarding.
The outer adventure is always accompanied by an inner one. Embrace it.
And as you rise to your own call and walk your path, you will meet your own dragons. Gently yet earnestly and courageously "slay them" -- Where is your growth edge? Where have you given your power away? Where have you betrayed your truth to seek belonging or approval? How are you meant to be in service to the world? Choose your stories wisely, and beyond that, know that it is but a story. You are. And while you might search outside to meet your goals and for gratification and rapture, know that you do not need external validation from anything outside -- everything you seek is within.
You do not need a belief system or worldview collapse. Gently but earnestly and courageously question the stories you buy into, inquire into beliefs and programming that runs, be intentional in how you live. This brings freedom and self sovereignty, and the rapture and enlivening we seek.
--
I hope this is affirming in some way for your journey.
And I hope this gives you a sense of who I am, if you might like to work with me.
My journey was of course uniquely mine to walk, as yours is uniquely yours to walk. But if any of it speaks to you, then perhaps my journey is meant to serve you in some way.
“There is a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled. There is a void in your soul, ready to be filled. You feel it, don't you?”
― Mawlana Jalal-al-Din Rumi
Yours in service
If you feel called to work together in some way, reach out to connect.